||[Jul. 18th, 2008|08:16 pm]
wow FUCK YOU GUYS
so much for female companionship or any kind of emotional support, you guys have been ignoring me. Im sad and lonely and tired. And I have no one. I honestly. I want a child, I want to go to a sperm bank and just arrange fertilization. I just want someone in my life. I want a purpose. Everyone else is miles beyond me, actually doing things. And here alone and sad and worst of NO ONE CARES. I tried talk to some guys onlin but they just, they don't care. They just laugh or ignore me like you guys. And so guys dont like me, girls dont like me. Theres no one left for me. Im so afraid of the ftuture and this pain and no one understands how hard this feeling is, how intense I feel these things. And I don't know what to do. And it's making me so paranoid. Like, Im afraid to eat certain foods because Im afraid theyll make sadder or the chemicals in some makeup even if it claims its natural, will make me more irritable or depressed. And this is all I have to do with my time. I have no control over my moods because I have no control over my life. I dont have one, and it kills me everyday because, schools gonna start soon and its gonna be the same old, dumb mean country kids ignore me routine and think about how i was SUPPOSED to be with him during this time. BUT I CANT and that was the only thing I EVER EVER had and its gone and its not gonna happen again anytime soon. and then I have to worry about work and grades and whether or not I can drive myself, because Im still traumatized over that accident and still thinik SO MUCH about him and I cant stop myself and I, I have no distractions beyond this and television and reading and other SOLITARARY ACTIVITIES. I have nothing going on with anyone else. And I cant even have that here. Im lonely, Im afraid. And I don't know why anything is going to be alright. I just want somewhere I can lay my head and be in peace, and it seems like most everyone some small piece of that.
BUT WHATEVER, you guys wont reply, and ill just be the same. I dont know what to do. I never have.